It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize