apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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