We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize