I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
