I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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