The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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