I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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