First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
