speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
