She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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