I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize