I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
