I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
