we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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