Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
