i love accidental penises.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize