Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
