I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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