My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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