Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
