I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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