so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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