Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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