watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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