im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
