Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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