If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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