Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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