why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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