the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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