Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize