Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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