she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
