How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
