I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
