I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize