No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
where are my eyebrows?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
