hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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