Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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