I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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