I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
