so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
