I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
being pregnant is like rehab
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize