Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
