Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
