I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Randomize
