Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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