Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
