fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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