WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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