I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
