I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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