im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
