you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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