I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
