Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
