I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
