dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
