Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
