My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
