a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
