So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
